December 26, 2011

Dear Diary,

TREATS: LOADS!!! Well, by the usual paltry standards.
SNUGGLES: TONS!!! Again, the bar is low, but I'll take it.
INJUSTICES: 12, give or take

It's that time of year. The weighing of the "naughty" with the "nice." What does this mean anyway? Isn't one man's naughty another's nice? Isn't eating someones cake a nice thing to do? Says, "Gosh, you made a nice cake that's deserving of being eaten!" and "Let me eat this for you so your bum doesn't grow any larger."  Semantics. It's all I'm saying.

Look at me here on Christmas morn. Hardly eaten anything and trusted into the task of ripping through heavy stock paper. But look at what it says?? Does it say GOOD DOG! Or BELOVED PET? Sure doesn't.

Ugh. Injustice. But it was filled with treats! However, they were treats that insinuated that perhaps my breath doesn't smell like a dewey meadow filled with rosebushes and unicorns. (I hear unicorns smell divine!) Rude. I didn't give them presents that said, "You stink!! Fix it!" or "You call that a haircut?!" Where is the sensitivity?!

As promised, I found some holiday photos of me from the good years. You know, before mini-person (and the 2nd vacuum. Who needs 2 vacuums?!?!?! Pure evil.).

Have you ever seen anything cuter than this?!?! Look at my adorable ears!!! And my tiny little legs! Oh, how I love this photo. I don't really like that coat so much, but I look so good in it, it's hard to poo-poo it. 

Here's where I really shine through....

See what I did there? Shine? Lights?? Oh forget it. Puns never pay off. Or is that a metaphor? WHATEVER. I look amazing and that's the point. Look at that face! I really am a treasure. And how dare they put all those lights around me! I could have been electrocuted! I guess it was worth it for the sake of the art.

Here I am now....

... resting with my latest friend. Pink Dog, I named her. She doesn't say much. Just a few crinkles and squeaks. It's best that way. These people need a bigger couch. Criminal how I have to curl up like this. And no blanket!!!! No hamburgers! Misery.

Naughty or nice... I'm still gorgeous.

Yours,
Beans A. Wienerdog

December 21st, 2011

Dear Diary,

Injustices since last entry: 89
Evil Hallway monsters: 32
Treats: 7

I am offended. And appalled. Aghast even. Apparently, people are upset that a dog is on the White House Christmas card. Why do you people think one has a dog??? It's to put a cute photo of them on your holiday card!!!! Oh and the snuggles, and cleaning up food that's dropped on the floor.

Look at that poor mutt!!!! (Wait, he's a pure breed??? From where? Portugal?? The heck you say... Well, ok.) Look at that poor odd breed European raised dog who apparently can swim well!! MISERABLE!!! And do you know why??? It lives in a house with 2 mini-people who suck up ALL the air in the place. ALL the attention. And a staff of 3080 who probably hoover the floors before Portugese Mutt can sniff out the treasures. I can think of nothing worse. Well, ok... There is a fireplace. That's pretty nice. It's like constant sunshine that doesn't move, which is quite handy. I wonder if those gift boxes are full of socks and peanuts and porterhouse steaks and fluffy blankets. The dog should be on that table investigating!!! Not lolly gagging around the fire. Lock it up, pooch!!! 

I, of course, am prominent on this year's card for the family... I SHARE the limelight of course. OF COURSE. Share. What does that even mean. Just say it, it's a holiday card hijack. This mini-person can't rock a santa suit like I can. If I can figure out that foul-filthing photo scanner, I will prove this point. Stay tuned, Diary. Stay tuned. 

Merf, 

Beans A. Wienerdog

December 15, 2011

Dear Diary,

DO YOU SEE THIS?!?!? Yes, I look adorable. I know. That's not the point, but I can see how that's your immediate take-away... I had to tuck myself in!!! MYSELF!! I don't have thumbs. I barely have legs! I have these sweet little T-rex arms. But yet! I was forced to pull the blanket over me all by my wiener lonesome. Sad sad day. I'm thinking of starting a union. First thing on the contract, more treats. Then, personal blanket tucker. More sunshine. And that personal blanket tucker will need to be an experienced belly rubber. I will put this on Craigslist!!! Hold please.

... Oh woe. Woe is me. Craigslist told me this was questionable and not suitable for people under the age of 18. They don't understand me. No one does. Meanwhile, that mini-person keeps kissing me and then gets all excited and dances around. Come on. Calm down. I need to rest. All this tucking.... wears you out.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

December 8th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Today was going so well. Grand I'd even venture to say... Then that mini-person left half a fruit bar on his high chair. I knew I shouldn't jump up and take it. But, it was sitting RIGHT there. And I had clearance to pounce and take it. The honey badger in me beat up my Jiminy Cricket a LOOONNNGGG time ago, so of course, I took the fruit bar. And got caught. Oh sweet misery. No treats for me today. I got the "bad dog" talking to. Even mini-person got in on that. How condescending. He poops his pants and I'm the one who's wrong?? This is survival people!! This is how wienerdogs live in the wild!! Yes, by stealing Whole Foods Fruit Bars from high chairs! I think our wolf cousins taught us this... I don't know, ask Darwin. He'll know... (Darwin is a wise Malamute I once met in the park.)

I need to rest. This fiber is going through me like a dumptruck. Why do they buy the multi-grain fruit bars?!! They're rough on my system. They should know better. Course it may help me work through this sock I've been digesting. The mini person's friend's sock hasn't reappeared yet, nor her nanny-person's. Huh.

Sincerely,

Beans A. Wienerdog

December 6th, 2011

Dear Diary,


Number of injustices since last entry: 14
Number of snuggles: 12
Number of treats: buh
Number of insincere snuggles: 12

Mother person put up the sparkly tree in the house again. She's so lazy. TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE WOMAN!!! THERE ARE TONS OF TREES OUT THERE!!! Why bring it in the house?!?!! Course, it is adorned with several replicas of my gorgeous face. None of them do me justice, mind you. No one can recreate my bronze patches. 

The mini-person seems to think this whole this is AMAZING. And he's even impressed-- or a little shocked-- that there are replicas of ME and none of HIM on said tree. WELL!!! Isn't THIS a shocking turn of events!!!! Is there a figurine of YOU driving a car??? NO!!! (He does call it the "Dogger bruum bruum" which is slightly adorable, but only slightly.)  

Wearing a hat??

In a stocking???

HA!! I WIN!! I BEAT YOU LITTLE PERSON!!! Just this once. I'll take it and be joyful that I am supreme ornament muse. For about 5 minutes I will know bliss... and then it will fade away again. And I'll just be a wienerdog who doesn't get to eat an entire ribeye steak. Even when I ask nicely. Misery. I need my iron intake!! No wonder I'm so very weak. 

Sincerely, 

Beans A. Wienerdog

December 5th, 2011

Dear Diary,

As you can see, it's been a LONG time since I've been able to diary my life. I've been so withdrawn, you see. The misery and injustices just keep coming. Did you know I wasn't suppose to eat a plastic toddler snack cup???? (It doesn't hold toddlers, it holds their cheesy or peanut butter snacks.... Just clarifying.) It was delicious. Even if a bit hard on the gums. But NOOOOOOO. That's not FOR wienerdogs. Quell surprise?! What IS for wienerdogs?!?!?! Snuggles 24-7??? Cozy down blankets?! Sunshine patches all day?!?! Nope. None of those things happen either. I find ONE bit of joy in a stupid plastic cup... and I get a stern talking to and some plastic in my morning BM. Misery.

Look at me. How terrible is this?? They didn't fluff my blanket!!!!! It's "microfiber." I deserve nothing less than macrofiber!!! I don't know what that means by micro sounds small and something the cleaning staff sleeps with.

I'd like to mention I haven't eaten a sock in 3 days. And frankly, I don't think the mini-person's friend's sock... and her nanny-person's socks should count. I mean, it was fairly hilarious watching them walk home with only one sock each. Sigh. No one gets my humor.

Sincerely,

Beans A. Wienerdog