June 13, 2013

Dear Diary,

I may have finally done it. I may have finally sent Mother Person into fits of insanity. (It wasn't a long drive, lemme tell ya...) I allegedly jumped up on the dining table and borrowed the mini-human's breakfast. Honestly, if you feed the kid peanut butter, you need to teach him to be vigilant. He can't just pick up his milk cup and not think that his toast covered with the nectar of the gods will still be there when he puts that cup down. Be a better parent, Mother Person. How does this make me a BAD DOG??! Injustice!!!

She truly has no appreciation for all that I do for her. A very very strange man that came from the land of the hallway monsters came to the apartment. He was looking at ALL our stuff and writing it down!!! What the heck is this?!?! PRISM in my own home!!! Well, I had to fight back!! And this guy happened to have packed his own lunch (how quaint) and left it in his work bag on the floor (how foolish). So I ate it. It was the only way I could think to teach this guy a lesson that 1) you do not enter my home ever, 2) you don't pack Cheez-its for lunch when you're a GROWN ASS MAN, 3) don't say, "oh what a cute little fella!" I'm a regal creature. And I really like Cheez-its. Mother Person said he was from a moving company and we were hoping to get a "good price" and me "eating his lunch" didn't ingratiate us in his eyes. What a drama queen.

And if all that wasn't BAD enough. The sun wasn't long enough today.

Note how these pillows aren't fluffed. Misery.

I took this photo while I was watching Kelly & Michael this am. (Don't judge me.) Jerry Seinfeld was on and said he has 2 wienerdogs, and one doesn't like him. Those are odds that you should be very happy with, Funny Man. One is named after a player for the Mets?! <smacks forhead> (Ok, I can't smack my forehead. Damn you, T-Rex arms!!!!... but I smacked my forehead in my mind.)

I need to rest. All this smacking not to mention those Cheez-its and the 2 socks that are currently in my digestive track duking it out like Ryan Lochte and his grasp of the English language. Unsavory.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

June 5, 2013

Dear Diary, 

FLABBERGASTED. I am aghast. What has happened to the left wing liberal elite media?!?!? Do they not fact check anything anymore?!?!??!!! From Petwatchman.com... titled The Top Three most aggressive dogs... 

"The top ranking dog breed, out of the 33 dogs surveyed, to be the most aggressive is…the Dachshund. Wow! I would never have thought, much less, consider it the most aggressive dog breed. The study found that "one out of five dachshunds have bitten or tried to bite strangers, and a similar number have attacked other dogs; one in 12 have snapped at their owners.”"

First... I left their punctuation in there.. which is ABYSMAL. All those quotes? Really. Try some italics, Captain Mudslinger. And what hard news piece interjects the word, Wow! Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself. Misery.

And yes, you "never would have thought..." I think that sums up everything. You didn't think. Did you SPEAK to any of these "agressive" Dachshunds?! Did you speak to these strangers who were ALLEGEDLY bitten?? On a scale of "extremely bright" to "can't find their ass with both hands", where are these stranger?! Have these strangers ever been 6 inches tall and walked around in a world where human things are a good 5 feet taller than them???  Have they ever had that giant face come down from high atop stocky shoulders right into their face to say, "This looks like a hotdog!!!" I DEFY YOU TO NOT WANT TO BITE THAT NOSE. It's horrifying, insulting, and frankly, bad manners. If that's agression, than we live in a sad world where human things think that dogs should obey them. 

Wait... what was that diary?? Dogs are suppose to be obedient?!?! TO WHOM? Since when??? Injustice. I answer to no one but my inner spirit that tells me all the things I need to know: always sleep in the sun, dance like no one is watching, bacon bacon bacon, and don't swim 30 minutes after eating socks. 

I hereby boycott Petwatchman.com and all their tom foolery that they call journalism. I will go back to reading my Dachshund sub-reddit and completely my French homework for tomorrow. 

Sincerely, 
Beans A. Wienerdog

Oct. 25th

Dear Diary,

Busted.

Whatever, it was worth it. And Mother Person should buy Mini Person more interesting socks. This is just so mundane. A plaid perhaps? A quirky polka dot even? Live a little, lady.

Sigh. All my soap opera have been cancelled. Martha Stewart's time slot changed. I can't bare to deal with the DVR. It's all horrid, actually.

My squeaky mailman no longer squeaks. Buuuuhhhhhhhhhhh.

Might as well nap, but not in the sun, as we don't have a south facing apartment. Buuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

PS-- Only 2 treats so far today... No wonder I'm listless and lethargic.