June 13, 2013

Dear Diary,

I may have finally done it. I may have finally sent Mother Person into fits of insanity. (It wasn't a long drive, lemme tell ya...) I allegedly jumped up on the dining table and borrowed the mini-human's breakfast. Honestly, if you feed the kid peanut butter, you need to teach him to be vigilant. He can't just pick up his milk cup and not think that his toast covered with the nectar of the gods will still be there when he puts that cup down. Be a better parent, Mother Person. How does this make me a BAD DOG??! Injustice!!!

She truly has no appreciation for all that I do for her. A very very strange man that came from the land of the hallway monsters came to the apartment. He was looking at ALL our stuff and writing it down!!! What the heck is this?!?! PRISM in my own home!!! Well, I had to fight back!! And this guy happened to have packed his own lunch (how quaint) and left it in his work bag on the floor (how foolish). So I ate it. It was the only way I could think to teach this guy a lesson that 1) you do not enter my home ever, 2) you don't pack Cheez-its for lunch when you're a GROWN ASS MAN, 3) don't say, "oh what a cute little fella!" I'm a regal creature. And I really like Cheez-its. Mother Person said he was from a moving company and we were hoping to get a "good price" and me "eating his lunch" didn't ingratiate us in his eyes. What a drama queen.

And if all that wasn't BAD enough. The sun wasn't long enough today.

Note how these pillows aren't fluffed. Misery.

I took this photo while I was watching Kelly & Michael this am. (Don't judge me.) Jerry Seinfeld was on and said he has 2 wienerdogs, and one doesn't like him. Those are odds that you should be very happy with, Funny Man. One is named after a player for the Mets?! <smacks forhead> (Ok, I can't smack my forehead. Damn you, T-Rex arms!!!!... but I smacked my forehead in my mind.)

I need to rest. All this smacking not to mention those Cheez-its and the 2 socks that are currently in my digestive track duking it out like Ryan Lochte and his grasp of the English language. Unsavory.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog