June 27, 2013

Dear Diary,

June 27th.... Does that date ring any bells, Diary? No? Let me give you an hour to remember... That's how long it took Mother Person to remember that today is THE DAY OF MY BIRTH!!! But apparently I'm the Molly Ringwald of the 9 year olds. Misery. Did I get woken up by a giant birthday ham fall from the ceiling??? Did I get a parade and bacon wrapped socks??? NO. I got NADA. Injustice. I got my same ol' kibble, in my same ol' bowl (no crystal?? no Steuben???) from that same bleary eyed Soft Touch. And then... an HOUR after I'd done my business, eaten, read the paper and was settling in for my morning nap, Mother Person bursts out the shower-- her hair in an appalling turban thing-- saying "BEANS!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!"

Really.

She gave me pity snuggles. She rubbed my belly with her guilt ridden hands. She woooja-woojaed my sweet face with such desperation I nearly threw up the 3 socks I'd been storing up for such an occasion. With my age, comes wisdom, so I did not vomit on the couch during her affections. I thought that would lower my possibilities for a treat. Apparently, it makes no difference to this cold hearted dingbat, as again, I GOT NADA. Injustice. (I will throw them up tomorrow. On a pillow. Mark my words.)

But alas... Today I, and I alone, will celebrate that 9 hallowed years ago in the hamlet of Mountain Top, Pennsylvania, I burst forth into this world in all my short but long glory. Full of dreams, hopes, and the desire to eat anything and everything that crosses my path. (I regret that earbud though...)

So dynamic. So glorious. 

Look at me. Have you ever seen something more beautiful in your life??! Move over Ryan Gosling. Your time is up!!! (Although, you are better at the wife beater/suspenders look. Damn my lack of shoulders!!!!!)

I hope tonight Mother Person regales me with salted meats. Or tells me that we're FINALLY giving the Tiny Human and the vacuum cleaner to the circus. A pup can dream... a pup can dream... 

Sincerely, 

Beans A. Wienerdog

June 19th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I have been treatless for days now. Snuggle-less for months. Well, other than the ones that Mother Person, mini-person and Soft Touch have given me... Misery. They went on vacation for a weekend and didn't take me because I "pee" on "rugs" and "steal food" and "generally act like a small goat." I heard there was a pool where they went. Disgusting. Basically a giant bath tub where you have to exercise. That is the worst paring I've EVER heard of. Worse than Kanye and Kim! (That is saying something...) So, whatever. I guess I dodged that bullet.

Something lightened my mood today. Briefly. While checking out my stock portfolio and perusing the Joss and Main offerings, I noticed THIS. I am cute. Very cute. I am the standard barer for cute. These are all slightly below my cuteness, but closer than I've ever seen. Some do break my rule of NO SHOES, but at least they're slippers... I am confident that these images will never bump me off my pedestal of amazingness. But I may go buy some duck slippers just to make sure...

Imagine this as me, only cuter. 

Ta ta for now. TTFN? OH!!! That's what that means!!! No kidding. Huh. I learned something today.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

June 13, 2013

Dear Diary,

I may have finally done it. I may have finally sent Mother Person into fits of insanity. (It wasn't a long drive, lemme tell ya...) I allegedly jumped up on the dining table and borrowed the mini-human's breakfast. Honestly, if you feed the kid peanut butter, you need to teach him to be vigilant. He can't just pick up his milk cup and not think that his toast covered with the nectar of the gods will still be there when he puts that cup down. Be a better parent, Mother Person. How does this make me a BAD DOG??! Injustice!!!

She truly has no appreciation for all that I do for her. A very very strange man that came from the land of the hallway monsters came to the apartment. He was looking at ALL our stuff and writing it down!!! What the heck is this?!?! PRISM in my own home!!! Well, I had to fight back!! And this guy happened to have packed his own lunch (how quaint) and left it in his work bag on the floor (how foolish). So I ate it. It was the only way I could think to teach this guy a lesson that 1) you do not enter my home ever, 2) you don't pack Cheez-its for lunch when you're a GROWN ASS MAN, 3) don't say, "oh what a cute little fella!" I'm a regal creature. And I really like Cheez-its. Mother Person said he was from a moving company and we were hoping to get a "good price" and me "eating his lunch" didn't ingratiate us in his eyes. What a drama queen.

And if all that wasn't BAD enough. The sun wasn't long enough today.

Note how these pillows aren't fluffed. Misery.

I took this photo while I was watching Kelly & Michael this am. (Don't judge me.) Jerry Seinfeld was on and said he has 2 wienerdogs, and one doesn't like him. Those are odds that you should be very happy with, Funny Man. One is named after a player for the Mets?! <smacks forhead> (Ok, I can't smack my forehead. Damn you, T-Rex arms!!!!... but I smacked my forehead in my mind.)

I need to rest. All this smacking not to mention those Cheez-its and the 2 socks that are currently in my digestive track duking it out like Ryan Lochte and his grasp of the English language. Unsavory.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

June 5, 2013

Dear Diary, 

FLABBERGASTED. I am aghast. What has happened to the left wing liberal elite media?!?!? Do they not fact check anything anymore?!?!??!!! From Petwatchman.com... titled The Top Three most aggressive dogs... 

"The top ranking dog breed, out of the 33 dogs surveyed, to be the most aggressive is…the Dachshund. Wow! I would never have thought, much less, consider it the most aggressive dog breed. The study found that "one out of five dachshunds have bitten or tried to bite strangers, and a similar number have attacked other dogs; one in 12 have snapped at their owners.”"

First... I left their punctuation in there.. which is ABYSMAL. All those quotes? Really. Try some italics, Captain Mudslinger. And what hard news piece interjects the word, Wow! Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself. Misery.

And yes, you "never would have thought..." I think that sums up everything. You didn't think. Did you SPEAK to any of these "agressive" Dachshunds?! Did you speak to these strangers who were ALLEGEDLY bitten?? On a scale of "extremely bright" to "can't find their ass with both hands", where are these stranger?! Have these strangers ever been 6 inches tall and walked around in a world where human things are a good 5 feet taller than them???  Have they ever had that giant face come down from high atop stocky shoulders right into their face to say, "This looks like a hotdog!!!" I DEFY YOU TO NOT WANT TO BITE THAT NOSE. It's horrifying, insulting, and frankly, bad manners. If that's agression, than we live in a sad world where human things think that dogs should obey them. 

Wait... what was that diary?? Dogs are suppose to be obedient?!?! TO WHOM? Since when??? Injustice. I answer to no one but my inner spirit that tells me all the things I need to know: always sleep in the sun, dance like no one is watching, bacon bacon bacon, and don't swim 30 minutes after eating socks. 

I hereby boycott Petwatchman.com and all their tom foolery that they call journalism. I will go back to reading my Dachshund sub-reddit and completely my French homework for tomorrow. 

Sincerely, 
Beans A. Wienerdog