Thursday, August 15, 2013

August 15, 2014

Dear Diary,

I saw something disturbing. Not just mother-person eating frosting straight from the can at 10:35pm like she was a rabid raccoon in need of a sugar high... It was something on the internet. I know! I thought the internet was just full of convenience items like Omaha steaks, wag.com, and on-line poker. But apparently there's this new thing the "kids" are into called BuzzFeed. It has NOTHING to do with feeding at ALL. There's no free samples of liver treats sent to your home. There are no frozen peanut butter balls. No Flintstone's style rack of ribs delivered. Misery. Instead it's just lists. I mean, really. Lists? It was harmless banality until yesterday.

Picture it: I was lounging on the couch, lamenting the fact that my lousy parents can't buy an apartment with floor to ceiling windows that's built on a lazy susan that is in sync with the rotation of the Earth to provide a direct sunny spot all day long. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM!?! Seriously, how hard is this?!?!! Why do I have to think of EVERYTHING. Injustice. Alas... I was lounging-- sans sun so it wasn't a GREAT lounge, but I think I've belabored that point-- and I decided I should check out my stock portfolio. I grab the iPad that the mini person has covered in unknown sticky things. So I got a snack at least, that was a positive. I opened up the browser and SACRE BLEU!!!!! This is the headline I saw:  24 Things Your Dachshund Can Do For You. I wept, openly. (Which made me very snoozy so I took a nap.) Upon my waking, I got hopping mad. (I did not hop, as that would make me even snoozier.) 24 things?!?!?!?!! Why on Earth should I have to do ANYTHING for you, let alone 24?!?!?!?! Then I looked more closely. It. Was. Horrifying. It should have been called, "24 Things Batshit Goofy People Have Done to Their Delightful Dachshund Who Put Up With It Even When They Should Have Bit Them And Filed A Legal Suit." It could have been something a bit more pithy, but I'm under duress here... It's the best I can do.

Look at this.

It looks JUST LIKE ME, only we all know it's not as my eyebrows are more expressive and I WILL NEVER WEAR A HAT. That it the ultimate injustice. INJUSTICE!!!!

How miserable does this little thing look???

There better be a treat involved in this nonsense or I will eat your toes in your sleep.

This is just blatantly illegal. 


There are somethings up with I cannot put, Diary!!!!!! Oh sweet misery.... What has the world come too?????

The injustice is just too great... I feel I must put my own list together... But then I'd just be contributing to this list making bullshittery... And it sounds like a lot of work. Like a LOT. And I'm not so good with the dragging and dropping of photos. (T-Rex arms, damn you!!!!!)

Ugh. I'll do back to sleeping. Sans sun. Dreaming of better days. Misery.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

2 comments:

  1. Hi, I couldn’t seem to find an email. And I was hoping to ask you a question about your dog?
    –Shaye
    shayewalsh1@gmail.com

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  2. Just found you quite by accident! As a doxie mom, I can totally relate to you. I have a 14 year old guy named Oscar. Lest you be confused ..... not the company that sells hot dogs, my guy is an award, as in "the Oscar goes to .......". Oscar lost his mate, Emmy a little over a year ago and we still miss her tremendously. She was 6 lbs. of pure love, while Oscar can be ......... difficult, shall we say. We recently rescued a red doxie, whose name is Cujo ..... he is afraid of everything! We also have a pound dog, whose lineage remains unknown. Her name is Toni and she has crazy long legs and the personality of an adventuress. Our other guy, Wall-E, a Chihuahua/Terrier mix is an author. He was published a couple of years ago and he blogs. His book "Letters To Gavin" is compilation of love letters to his boy, my grandson. He sits in my lap and whispers in my ear as I type ........ so says Gavin, a boy wise beyond his years.

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