Wednesday, March 13, 2013

March 13, 2013

Dear Diary,

There is a news story today about a dog that ate 111 pennies.

He's alive. Injustice. Huzzah another dumb terrier wondering around eating change who MAKES THE NEWS. I do amazing things ALL THE TIME and where is my press??? Why does Victoria Secret not sponsor me? I keep them in business for goodness sakes. Mother Person has a VS gold card thanks to me and my "habit." What do I get out of it? Nothing. Misery.

But alas, Penny Pooch, here are some tips. Eat things that don't kill you. (Other than grapes and chocolate, they're delicious and totally worth it.) Pennies?!? Ugh. They are much too tart and the aftertaste is off putting. Now, you know what tastes good? 20 dolla bills, y'all. Hundreds are gourmet divinity, if you can get your muzzle on them. Sure, it causes some commotion from the people. But usually in the, "Where did I put that!!?!!?" rather than, "YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DOG!" So that's a win-win in my book. If I can cough it up whole, let it dry out and then "find" it for her, I sometimes get a treat. And THAT my friend, is how a pro does this. So lay off the pennies. They're heavy. They're not even going to be currency much longer. They're not even that shiny. It's stupid. And most importantly, it's NOT NEWS WORTHY. I certainly hope the AP just calms down for a hot second and recognizes how cute and adorable I am.

I mean, can you stand it? The wisdom behind those eyes. Blinding.

Till later, Diary. The misery, I'm sure, will continue.

Beans A. Wienerdog

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