Tuesday, March 27, 2012

March 27th, 2012

Dear Diary,

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Um, no. Whoever coined this trite phrase never met a wienerdog. Especially THIS wienerdog. My heart is broken in a million little pieces. I haven't gone to pilates in a week, and I can't bare to even look at my French homework. WHY you ask? Look at this filth.

See that fetching character on the right in the bow tie? THAT is my former best friend forever, or BFF as the kids say. Bogart. Look at his luscious ears!! There may not be much between said floppy ears, but that Bogle (part dog, part Beagle) was my dear friend. We would vacation together while my people were out of town (ie they deserted me with nice people who loved me, but "deserted" I certainly was, none the less.) I would sleep in Bogart's bed, he'd get the floor.  I'd play with his squeaky devil pig, he'd watch. He'd find me socks to munch on, I'd let him.  It was a good relationship. He moved to Louisiana a little while ago and apparently, fell in with a bad crowd. And replaced me. With that. Another wienerdog. Injustice.

Not only is this wiener not of my superior coloring. She's a GIRL. ICKY! BLEH!!! And she makes him wear funny clothing!!!!! What is this, role playing?!?! It's not right, I tell you. Not right at all!!! He should only be taking orders from ME!!! That is how this friendship worked out so perfectly!!!! MISERY!!! I would never make him wear a bow tie. That's not edible at all. What a waste! And it doesn't even keep your little hound body warm. This is only worn to delight the humans. Terrible. What's next, Bogart? Fetching their balls and herding their sheep? You'll be a slave to them!!! It's bad enough we have to work CONSTANTLY to ward off the hallway monsters and the vacuum cleaner gnomes. You've turned into a puppet... And I blame that lady friend! She's not properly advising you on how to be a hound. She may not really be a real wienerdog at all. Maybe some Swedish knock off or something. I don't see "stern German" coming from her...  I shudder to think about it.

Now who's my best friend? The whiney Beagle across the hall? The Chihuahua that barks at shadows?! The hapless labrador? Who can I boss around?!?! WHO WHO WHO?! Misery.

I will lie on the couch, taking up more room than one thought possible, while my heart aches like no other heart has ached before. A lamb chop would really hit the spot about now.

Beans A. Wienerdog

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