June 13, 2013

Dear Diary,

I may have finally done it. I may have finally sent Mother Person into fits of insanity. (It wasn't a long drive, lemme tell ya...) I allegedly jumped up on the dining table and borrowed the mini-human's breakfast. Honestly, if you feed the kid peanut butter, you need to teach him to be vigilant. He can't just pick up his milk cup and not think that his toast covered with the nectar of the gods will still be there when he puts that cup down. Be a better parent, Mother Person. How does this make me a BAD DOG??! Injustice!!!

She truly has no appreciation for all that I do for her. A very very strange man that came from the land of the hallway monsters came to the apartment. He was looking at ALL our stuff and writing it down!!! What the heck is this?!?! PRISM in my own home!!! Well, I had to fight back!! And this guy happened to have packed his own lunch (how quaint) and left it in his work bag on the floor (how foolish). So I ate it. It was the only way I could think to teach this guy a lesson that 1) you do not enter my home ever, 2) you don't pack Cheez-its for lunch when you're a GROWN ASS MAN, 3) don't say, "oh what a cute little fella!" I'm a regal creature. And I really like Cheez-its. Mother Person said he was from a moving company and we were hoping to get a "good price" and me "eating his lunch" didn't ingratiate us in his eyes. What a drama queen.

And if all that wasn't BAD enough. The sun wasn't long enough today.

Note how these pillows aren't fluffed. Misery.

I took this photo while I was watching Kelly & Michael this am. (Don't judge me.) Jerry Seinfeld was on and said he has 2 wienerdogs, and one doesn't like him. Those are odds that you should be very happy with, Funny Man. One is named after a player for the Mets?! <smacks forhead> (Ok, I can't smack my forehead. Damn you, T-Rex arms!!!!... but I smacked my forehead in my mind.)

I need to rest. All this smacking not to mention those Cheez-its and the 2 socks that are currently in my digestive track duking it out like Ryan Lochte and his grasp of the English language. Unsavory.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

June 5, 2013

Dear Diary, 

FLABBERGASTED. I am aghast. What has happened to the left wing liberal elite media?!?!? Do they not fact check anything anymore?!?!??!!! From Petwatchman.com... titled The Top Three most aggressive dogs... 

"The top ranking dog breed, out of the 33 dogs surveyed, to be the most aggressive is…the Dachshund. Wow! I would never have thought, much less, consider it the most aggressive dog breed. The study found that "one out of five dachshunds have bitten or tried to bite strangers, and a similar number have attacked other dogs; one in 12 have snapped at their owners.”"

First... I left their punctuation in there.. which is ABYSMAL. All those quotes? Really. Try some italics, Captain Mudslinger. And what hard news piece interjects the word, Wow! Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself. Misery.

And yes, you "never would have thought..." I think that sums up everything. You didn't think. Did you SPEAK to any of these "agressive" Dachshunds?! Did you speak to these strangers who were ALLEGEDLY bitten?? On a scale of "extremely bright" to "can't find their ass with both hands", where are these stranger?! Have these strangers ever been 6 inches tall and walked around in a world where human things are a good 5 feet taller than them???  Have they ever had that giant face come down from high atop stocky shoulders right into their face to say, "This looks like a hotdog!!!" I DEFY YOU TO NOT WANT TO BITE THAT NOSE. It's horrifying, insulting, and frankly, bad manners. If that's agression, than we live in a sad world where human things think that dogs should obey them. 

Wait... what was that diary?? Dogs are suppose to be obedient?!?! TO WHOM? Since when??? Injustice. I answer to no one but my inner spirit that tells me all the things I need to know: always sleep in the sun, dance like no one is watching, bacon bacon bacon, and don't swim 30 minutes after eating socks. 

I hereby boycott Petwatchman.com and all their tom foolery that they call journalism. I will go back to reading my Dachshund sub-reddit and completely my French homework for tomorrow. 

Sincerely, 
Beans A. Wienerdog

March 26, 2013

Dear Diary,

INJUSTICE!!! Why didn't I think of this??

Misery. 

Sincerely, 

Beans A. Wienerdog

March 19, 2013

Dear Diary,

I smiled today. I know, amazing. I can't believe it either. While shopping for gourmet cheeses on line, I got off the beaten path and ended up on YouTube. As one does. And I came across this GEM. Sweet Florida blueberries!! I could watch this all day. Silly humans. Thinking that all dogs were put on this Earth to catch things. Why would we do this? You're throwing MY stuff. And I should go catch it? The mini-person throws his dinner all over the floor. He doesn't say, "Go get it!! Go get it!! Catch it! Come on! Good Mama!" No. No is doesn't. And if he did, boy howdy there would be hell to pay. So why is it ok for dogs?!?!? Injustice.

I do feel for this little pup. Being that I can read "dog," I'll let you in on what this dog was thinking. "Oh lordy, I have to catch this? Ugh. Fine. Ok, I'll trrryyyy.... and! I fell over. I think I'll just stay here for a minute to see if they feel bad... NOPE! Not  feeling bad. Laughing. Swell."

He's doomed to a life of learning how to catch and being haunted by the laughs of the humans as his fuzzy non-weeble body falls to the ground time and time again. Me? I just watch the stuff the humans toss go right past me. And then look at them with my best, "You disgust me," look. And I saunter off. (Perhaps a spite poo is in order?)

I haven't said misery once in this entry! What's happening to me? Misery. Oh phew. There it is.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

March 13, 2013

Dear Diary,

There is a news story today about a dog that ate 111 pennies.

He's alive. Injustice. Huzzah another dumb terrier wondering around eating change who MAKES THE NEWS. I do amazing things ALL THE TIME and where is my press??? Why does Victoria Secret not sponsor me? I keep them in business for goodness sakes. Mother Person has a VS gold card thanks to me and my "habit." What do I get out of it? Nothing. Misery.

But alas, Penny Pooch, here are some tips. Eat things that don't kill you. (Other than grapes and chocolate, they're delicious and totally worth it.) Pennies?!? Ugh. They are much too tart and the aftertaste is off putting. Now, you know what tastes good? 20 dolla bills, y'all. Hundreds are gourmet divinity, if you can get your muzzle on them. Sure, it causes some commotion from the people. But usually in the, "Where did I put that!!?!!?" rather than, "YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DOG!" So that's a win-win in my book. If I can cough it up whole, let it dry out and then "find" it for her, I sometimes get a treat. And THAT my friend, is how a pro does this. So lay off the pennies. They're heavy. They're not even going to be currency much longer. They're not even that shiny. It's stupid. And most importantly, it's NOT NEWS WORTHY. I certainly hope the AP just calms down for a hot second and recognizes how cute and adorable I am.

I mean, can you stand it? The wisdom behind those eyes. Blinding.

Till later, Diary. The misery, I'm sure, will continue.

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog

March 8, 2013

Dear Diary,

Misery. 

This is so metaphorical for my life. I try to find some warmth and comfort on this cold ball of mud called Earth. I find something fuzzy, fluffy even. I snuggle in, feeling the safety of the organic cotton swaddling my sinewy body. AND BOOM!! I'm in an arm hole. What is that?!!? Who does that?!?! Oh, people with arms. Sure. Sure, rub it in that I and the mighty T-Rex share the same leg to body length ratio issues. I see the memes. I know I'm the butt of jokes. That's on-line hazing people. Injustice. 

Things haven't changed much. Same ol' same ol'. Sleep. Snuggle. Throw up a pile of thread from left over socks stuck in the gullet. Read the NY Times Real Estate section. Sniff. Repeat. The mini-person is "potty training" now. Mother Person and Soft Touch think he's just "soooo clever." Not for nothing, but I was paper trained in a weekend. When I was 12 weeks old. Why the arrested development with this one?!?! (Now I have the song "Tennessee" in my head, and a penchant to upgrade my Netflix account...) I mean, sure, I happy wee sometimes. I spite poo more than I wish I had to. I rarely spite wee anymore. (Results aren't as satisfying.) The mini thing is more than happy to point out my spite poos and run around the apartment all pell mell about "bad wiener dog! bad wiener dog!!" AM I THE BAD ONE?!?! Or is that horrendous mother of mine who only gave me 27 seconds of snuggles and love when she came home?? Injustice!!! I deserve 45 on the SHORT end. Truly it should be more like 5 minutes, unless you bore me then it's fine if I leave. You deny me snuggles, you get a deuce in the middle of the bathmat. That's how this goes. Get used to it. Misery.

I have to go source a decent blanket. And I better get a handful of treats tonight, or bathmats beware. 

Sincerely, 

Beans A. Wienerdog 

August 25th, 2012

Dear Diary,

It is a dark dark day. The internet has always been my happy haven for on-line poker, ordering Omaha Steaks, and laughing at cat videos (cats are so dumb!!!). But now, there is a black hole of misery and injustice that is ruining the internet AS WE KNOW IT. Hateful speech and discrimination!!!! Dog-shaming.com. WHAT IS THIS!??!!? People finding fault in dogs?!?!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  What is even WORSE is that people are asking Mother-Person to put ME on there. ME. Beans Aloysius Wienerdog. INJUSTICE.

I won't have it. So I am fighting back the only way I know how: to act first.

Take that internet. Take that people. You can't shame me!! I SHAME YOU FIRST. Neener neener.  (And yes, that is my nose moisture on the paper. It's hard getting things out of a printer when you don't have thumbs.)

Sincerely,
Beans A. Wienerdog